While the Boss is Away: Ch. 4

A/N: Before the beginning of this chapter, I'd just like to point out that this is a continuation of the collaberation story between myself and No Limit 5. To know what happens prior to this chapter, please check out the first few chapters on NL's page.


Chapter 3 – Held Up on the High Seas

Hours after the crew had got the ship into the water, everyone was gathered on deck for role call and introductory meeting. Some, like Luigi, Sakura, and Kuro, sat on the deck of the ship while others, such as House and Dr. Cox, sat in lawn chairs they brought with them. “All right, does ANYONE need their complimentary eye patches for the meeting?” JD called as he held a bag full of novelty eye patches.

Kuro raised his brow at the young doctor, with his arms folded. “JD, WHY would we need eye patches if we’re just going to be in a stupid meeting?” he asked.

“‘Cause it’s a pirate's meeting, silly!” JD said, chuckling gracelessly.

“Look, Julie, just because we’re in a damn pirate meeting doesn’t mean we have to LOOK like pirates,” Dr. Cox said, shaking his head, holding his hands behind his head.

“Well, we at least have to look professional,” JD argued.

“Pirates are anything but professional, kid,” House grumbled, playing a Nintendo DS. “They’re bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling.”

Yakko looked to you, the reader(s), and muttered, “He’s gonna get sued by Kelso, right?”

“Dear Gods,” Marvin groaned dismally. “I’ve a brain the size of a planet and I’m stuck here with these imbeciles on the high seas…. Douglas, if only you were here to console me…”

“Don’t-a worry, Marvin,” Luigi said enthusiastically, “maybe this-a won’t be so bad!”

All of a sudden, the door opened, and out walked the Janitor. He was still dressed as – well, a janitor, but he wore a tricorne hat and an eye patch over his right eye. He also carried a sword that had a mop-like handle, and a pistol. He walked up to the front of the group and looked at them with his usual mocking scowl. “You were saying, Mr. Mario?” Marvin asked in a dull voice.

“Ahh…it could-a be worse, right?” Luigi whispered nervously to Marvin, who only sighed in despair.

“See, I told you we needed eye patches!” JD hissed to an aggravated Kuro. “He’s got one!”

“Quiet, Dorian!” House snapped, whacking JD in the leg with his cane.

The Janitor smiled as he looked at his new “crew.” He opened his mouth to speak but Toad raised his hand. “What is it, midget?” the Janitor sighed in exasperation.

“Where’dja get that costume, Janitor?” Toad asked curiously.

“Got it from NL’s old parody costume closet,” the Janitor said with a grin. “Thought he’d locked it away for good…but I found a way in for this occasion.”

“A universal key, right?” Arthur asked monotonously.

“Bingo.” The Janitor held up a little black key and twirled it with his left index finger.



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Meanwhile, in an unknown part of the world called Team Limit Studios, two teenage boys were in front of an open closet that said “No Limit’s Parody Costume Closet”. Underneath it was a wooden sign that said “CLOSED FOR GOOD!”

“How the hell did he open this thing?!” one teen in a black and white costume named No Limit asked in disbelief as he came close to tearing his hair out.

“Well, dude,” said a teen in Red Sox clothes named Papa T, “As DCE eloquently puts it…” He took out a pair of glasses, whipped out a newspaper, pretended to read it, and said, quite simply, “I don't know.”

No Limit looked to the author making a now popular YouTube joke, and glared. “That’s not helping, Tom,” he said.

Papa T, also known as Tom, tossed the paper away and removed the glasses as he said, “C’mon, NL, I’m sure Janitor needed the costume for a reason.”

“Yes, I KNOW he needed the costume,” No Limit said in exasperation, gently rubbing his aching temples. “But he could’ve asked me for the key!”

“Uhh, yeah, about that,” Tom said nervously, rubbing the back of his neck. “I actually, kinda, sorta…”

No Limit looked at his fellow author with a serious expression. “You gave him the key, didn’t you?” he intoned quietly.

“No, I gave him the ‘UNIVERSAL’ key,” Tom gulped nervously.

“DEAR GOD!” No Limit screamed as he grabbed Tom by his shirt and shook him like a British Nanny. “What were you thinking, dude?! He can access any place in the world now! ANY. PLACE.”

“Hey, it was either give him the key or get waxed!” Tom protested.

No Limit stopped shaking the author and sighed. “All right, at least you had a good reason,” he said as he shut the door to the closet and locked it – for the second time. “C’mon, let’s get out of here.” The two authors left the studio quietly.

“Wanna watch a movie and riff it?” No Limit asked.

“All for it,” Tom smirked devilishly. “Twilight?”

“Oh, yeah…”



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Back at the pirate ship, the Janitor kissed the key and grinned. “Who knew Red Sox fans would be so generous?” he snickered to himself as he stashed the key in his back pocket. “Anyway,” he barked, “Let’s take a roll call, shall we?” The Janitor drew a small piece of paper from his pocket and unfolded it. Reading from the list, he called, “Lean Green Faucet Face?”

A dead silence fell as everyone looked to each other with expressions of confusion. The Janitor sighed despondently as he looked to JD. “Scooter…?” he asked with a glare. “Did you forget to hand out the nickname tags?”

“Oh…oops,” JD chuckled nervously as he took out a bunch of name tags and handed them out to the others.

“For shame, Jonathan!” Dot scolded as she took her nametag disdainfully. “How could you forget to give us our proper pirate nicknames?!”

“Slipped my mind?” JD gulped.

“Yeah, like everything else,” Bender joked as he took a swig of rum.

When everyone got their tags, the Janitor cracked open the list again. “All right, from the top,” he boomed. “Lean Green Faucet Face?”

“Here! …I guess-a,” Luigi said uneasily as he looked at his card.

“Bottomless Gut Yo’?”

“Yo-shi!” Yoshi chirped.

“Pervy the Pirate?”

“…Yeah, I’m here,” Kuro sighed.

“Jolly Marvin?”

“Oh, I’m jolly, all right,” Marvin droned sarcastically.

“Cox and House, Plunderers of Barbossa’s Treasure?”

“I’m the pirate, he’s the golden hell-i-monkey,” Cox quipped.

“Least I do all the work,” House grumbled.

“Short John Dexter?”

“Of course, I get dubbed with the obvious pun of a famous pirate,” Dexter grumbled.

“Floatation Device?”

“That’s…me,” Toad sighed.

“The Terrible Towel?”

“You see any yellow on this thing?” Ford Perfect questioned as he held up his towel.

“The Confused Buccaneer?”

“Aye, I’m here,” Arthur sighed lifelessly.

“Under-aged Lassie?”

“Yyyyeah…” Sakura said slowly, scratching her head.

“Perfectly-Aged Lassie?”

“Mmm-hmm,” Trillian nodded nonchalantly.

“Wannabe Mayor?”

“This had better pay off for me, Janitor,” Zaphod growled.

“Rum-Fueled Robot?”

“You bet your ass I’m here!” Bender slurred, drinking another swig of rum.

“Blue Devil?”

“Boring name, but yeah,” Stitch sighed.

“The Scurvy Brothers and Scurvy Sister?”

“Hellooooo, Captain!” the Warners chorused.

“Aaaand…Scooter,” the Janitor concluded.

“Yup, that’s me,” JD said, throwing his hands up, annoyed.

“Right, now that we got that out of the way,” the Janitor said, tossing the list away. “Well, men…and some ladies…this be it, our life as pirates roaming the high seas. I’ve got a good feelin’ we're going to pillage ‘til we can’t pillage no more! And this’ll be ten times better than those Pirates of the Caribbean films!”

“But Yoshi liked those movies!” Yoshi protested sadly.

“Bah, the next two were stale,” the Janitor scoffed. “Anyway, enough about swaggering pirates and back to the REAL pirates – us! Here’s the crew guidelines – number one: I’M the captain, and whatever I say goes; anyone that disagrees gets waxed. Number two: I’m not gonna tolerate stowaways or any kind of mutiny; if any of that happens, you’re waxed. Number three: absolutely, positively, NO Naruto jokes; if anyone even does so much as allude to that orange jumpsuit-wearing little spaz, they're gonna…”

“Get waxed,” everyone said in unison.

“THAT’S my crew,” the Janitor said cheerfully with a swing of his arm.

“I still don’t know what that means,” JD muttered silently in his inner monologue.

“Oh, and I’ll be randomly choosing some of you to accompany me on our raids,” the Janitor concluded.

“So when-a do we start?” Luigi asked.

“Riiiiight…now,” the Janitor said as he stepped back and motioned to the oncoming port of Quahog.

“Ahh, Quahog…home to some of the best beer around,” Bender said dreamily.

“I’ll pass on this first one, ‘Captain’ Janitor,” House said with heavy sarcasm on “captain”.

“Your loss,” the Janitor shrugged. “All righty. Lean Green, Terrible Towel, Rum-Fueled, and Pervy, you all come with me! Everyone else…find something to do while we’re gone.”

The ship pulled into the docks of Quahog. “Holy crap, we’re being invaded by pirates!” Peter Griffin shouted. “Run!” The fat man ran off like a terrified little girl, screaming as such.

“Ahh, this is gonna be a breeze,” the Janitor grinned. “All right, men…let’s RAID!”



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Rika, Daffy, and Porky slowly dragged themselves through the various and creatively designed doors that counted down from six to one as they made their way into the dreaded theater where they must watch the worst movies that Dr. Forrester could find. The trio sat themselves down as the film started rolling.

The logos for Columbia and Crystal Sky came on. “Oh, come on; don’t go placing the blame on them for your screw up!” Daffy said.

Hearing the Latino music play during the Marvel logo sequence, Porky quipped, “W-w-wow, I d-d-didn’t realize M-M-Mexican’s we-we-were part of the w-w-western experience.”

Suddenly, the Marvel logo caught fire, turned metallic, and spikes jutted out the top. “Oh, so Marvel sold their soul to Satan too!” Rika said. “That’ll explain the One More Day story.”

“It’s said that the West was built on legends,” an old man’s voice said as the camera descended downward from a moon. “Tall tales that help us make sense of things too great or too terrifying to believe.”

“Like Rob Liefeld’s artwork,” Daffy said. “For the latter half, I mean.”

The camera made a quick shift to an old cowboy on a horse. “This is the legend of the Ghost Rider.”

“What the hell? I came to see a motorcycle-riding, leather clad skeleton with a flaming skull!” Rika shouted angrily. “Not some old guy talking about the guy!”

The camera then cut to bizarre effects as the horse made it trek. “W-w-wow,” Porky whistled. “It’s l-l-like a comic book…”

“Bah! That’s ridiculous!” Daffy said. “Unlike 300. That was pure gold.”

“They were half-naked men killing fully dressed men,” Rika said, but sighed dreamily. “Ah…half-naked Spartans…”

"Sheesh," Porky rolled his eyes.

“Story goes that every generation has one,” the voice continued. “Some damned soul, cursed to ride the earth, collecting on the devil’s deals.” The screen showed many dramatic cuts from a scroll to Peter Fonda with a cane that had a skull to the old man on the horse again. “Many years ago, a Ghost Rider was sent to the village of San Venganza to fetch a contract worth a thousand evil souls.”

The old man took the scroll and a drop of blood fell from it, a thousand screams were heard. “What kind of idiot sells his soul?” Rika frowned.

“I-I-I don’t know,” Porky shrugged.

"Someone that watches Naruto," Daffy quipped.

“But that contract was so powerful…”

Peter Fonda just looked so evil as a crack of lightning showed his true face briefly – a half-assed digitized thing with fangs sticking out of its mouth. “Whoa! The devil don’t like lightning! No sir!” Daffy said.

“…that he knew he could never let the devil get his hands on it.”

“Yeah, he needs to wash them first,” Porky said.

“So he did what no Rider has ever done before…”

The cowboy’s hand burned and turned skeletal, shocking Peter Fonda. “Oh, so the Ghost Rider can control cheesy effects,” Rika said.

“…he outran the devil himself.”

“Because the o-old Riders didn’t have a horse, duh!” Porky said.

“The thing about legends is…sometimes they’re true.”

“I always knew Nessie existed!” Daffy declared.

"Th-th-that explains why the Cubs haven't won in 100 years, I guess" Porky said, scratching his head.

It then showed the standard superhero special effect openings – which was pretty crappy in itself. “Wow, this would be so cool if it wasn’t for motorcycle sounds and the stupid twists and turns and if they made it look more like Hell and if they just generally put a better job into it,” Rika said.

It finally showed the title. “Ghost Rider!” Porky boomed. “H-h-half ghost, h-half rider, all lame!”

The scene then cut to a carnival. “Mommy, mommy!” Daffy cried in a mock child’s voice. “That clown is scaring me!”

“That isn’t a clown, sweetie, that’s our mayor,” Rika said.

“What’s the difference?” Daffy chuckled.

“Ladies and gentlemen!” a voice called. “The amazing…blazing…”

“Hazing!” Porky added.

“Gazing!” Daffy also added.

“Dazing!” Rika concluded.

“…stunt cycle spectacular!”

A large ring suddenly came on screen as it burst into flames, prompting the people to gasp. “Oh, yeah!” Porky said. “A ring’s on fire! N-nothing can top that! Not even if some idiots r-ride some motorcycles through it!”

Then two fellows rode motorcycles through it. “Oh, I see, Ghost Rider isn’t a hero OR a minion of Satan. He’s a carny!” Rika said.

“Goes to show ya, kids should drop out of school, join a carnival, sell your soul to the devil, and become a cheesy special effect,” Daffy said.

“How about a big round of applause for Barton and Johnny Blaze?”

One of the motorcyclists – a teenage boy – waved to a pretty girl in the crowd and she waved back. “W-why is he waving to me?” Porky said in a mock female voice.

“Let’s hear if for them, folks!”

The boy then popped a wheelie to impress the girl, so much as taking his hands off the steering. “Look at me! No hands!” Rika said.

But then he hit a bump in the dirt, causing him to immediately grab the handles again. “Nobody saw that, nobody saw that, nobody saw that,” Daffy said repeatedly.

His fellow motorcycle rider shook his head disapprovingly. “Son, g-girls of the devil,” Porky said mockingly.

“Think we’re pushing the whole devil thing too far?” Rika asked.

“Nope!” all three chorused.

“You’re a hotshot, ain’t you, boy?” the man – turning out to be the boy’s father – chided as they pushed their motorcycles back to their tent. “Young, think you know everything there is to know…”

“Because adults are stupid,” Daffy said.

“Think you’re gonna live forever, is that about right?”

“I was thinking of selling my soul,” Rika said.

“Come on, Dad. It was a patch of dirt.”

“That’s not the point.”

“Yeah! Who c-cares if you f-fell over and snapped your neck?” Porky said.

Barton Blaze coughed and put out his cigarette. “Point is, we’ve been doing this act less than a week. You’re already screwing around.”

“I was just doing it for the crowd.”

“We both knew why you done it.”

“He was possessed?” Daffy said.

“He saw a demon and wanted to kill it?” Rika said.

“Um…Satan?” Porky said lamely.

“You think she’s gonna stand by you when you’re in a wheelchair?”

“If it’s a demonic wheelchair, sure,” Rika said.

“Huh, hotshot?”

“Hotshot’s here?!” Porky gasped. “I love that robot!”

Barton moved his bike away as Johnny sighed and followed. “Sometimes I wish my dad would drop dead,” Daffy said mockingly.

“Be careful what you wish for!” Rika added.

“Son, everything you do in life, every choice you make has a consequence,” Barton said as the two of them fixed their motorbikes. “When you do things without thinking you ain’t making the choice, the choice is making you.”

“Oh, so it was McDonald’s that chose me to go there instead of me,” Porky said.

“You understand that?”

“Yeah, sure…”

“What?”

“I said, ‘Yes, sir.’”

Barton looked exasperated. “Dammit, I should never have knocked up that bearded lady,” Rika said.

Barton began coughing heavily. “Argh! I think I coughed up a lung!” Daffy coughed.

So instead of doing the smart thing, Barton grabbed another cigarette and lit it up. “I-I’m sensing a smoking P.S.A,” Porky announced.

Johnny got up and took the pack of cigarettes with him. “You’re right, dad! I’m going to follow your example and smoke too!” Rika said.

Johnny tossed the pack into the trash and looked another motorbike, but not a stunt kind. “So this once belonged to the Fonz…” Daffy said admiringly.

“Hey, Dad, you think maybe I could take Grace for a ride sometime?”

“Think you’re man enough for Grace?”

“Of course I am!” Porky said in a nasally voice.

“Hell, yeah!”

“Speaking of hell…” Rika muttered.

“Well, I don’t.”

“Oh! Burn!” Porky said.

“Speaking of burn…” Rika said.

“Okay, enough of those jokes until the devil shows up again!” Daffy snapped.

“Hey, Johnny,” said the girl from the audience that Johnny tried to impress.

“Cue sweet, teen music here,” Rika said.

“Hey, Roxie…” Johnny smiled.

“Heh, heh, heh, hey, baby!” Daffy said in a goofy, love-struck voice. “Let’s you and me go hay-riding!”

Barton and Johnny looked to each other. “Dibs!” Porky said.

Barton sighed and waved him along. “Go on.”

The scene then cut to Johnny and Roxie sitting over a hilltop with a few patch of flowers and a single tree, that Johnny craved their names together in. “Wow, you will never find a more romantic spot…” Rika said, “‘cause this can’t exist!”

“Hey,” Johnny finally said.

“Best. Icebreaker. Ever,” Daffy declared.

“What’s wrong, Roxie?”

Roxie looked away awkwardly. “I have Herpes,” Porky admitted.

“I’m leaving.”

“What?”

“I’m leaving, can’t you hear me, ya country hick?” Rika said.

“My dad’s sending me to live with my mom.”

Johnny looked distraught. “Argh, in-laws!” Daffy groaned.

“When?”

“Soon.”

“What about us?”

“He says you’re not good enough for me. That you’re just a phase.”

“So when’s the p-phase when your boyfriend’s an m-motorcycling-riding skeleton?” Porky asked.

“So what are we gonna do, Johnny?”

“Sleep with me,” Rika said simply.

“We’ll leave. We’ll jump on the bike and just keep going.”

“But what about your dad? What about the show?”

“He doesn’t need me. He doesn’t need anybody!”

“Especially for that cough of his. It’s nothing! Just a flesh wound,” Daffy said.

“Tomorrow, noon. We’ll meet here.”

Johnny and Roxie smiled and kissed as the camera panned away. “That’s right, kids, j-just run away from your parents and your l-loved ones for your girlfriend that’ll probably won’t last past high school,” Porky said.

The scene cut to Johnny walking into his father and his trailer. His father was sleeping in the arm chair. “Dammit, Dad!” Rika said. “I told you when you’ve got company with ya and I come home put up the sign!”

Johnny walked to his father, whose head was out of shot. “Oh, my God! He’s dead!” Daffy gasped.

Barton snored. “Never mind.”

Johnny took from Barton’s hand a photo album of their family. “Oh, so my mom shaved after she had me,” Porky said.

Johnny put down the album and pulled out a pack of cigarettes from his father’s hand. “Thought you can hide this from me, eh?” Rika said.

Johnny sighed as he threw the pack away – again. But then he noticed something else in the trash. “Is digging through your own garbage a federal offense?” Daffy asked.

“Technically he’s running away, so it’s not really HIS anymore,” Porky said.

Johnny took out a piece of paper from the trash and read it. “My mom’s not really the bearded lady!” Rika gasped.

Johnny read the word “cancer”. “Oh, my God, I have cancer!” Daffy yelped. “Oh, wait. It’s my Dad’s name. Phew! Dodged a bullet there!”

Barton began coughing again and awoke, and Johnny quickly crumbled the paper and tossed it into the trash. “Dad doesn’t n-need to know that I k-know that he doesn’t want me to know that he knows he’s got cancer,” Porky said. Barton saw the upset look on Johnny’s face. “But I’m n-not hiding it too well.”

“What time is it?”

“It’s YOUR time, Dad!” Rika declared in a dramatic voice.

“It’s late.”

Barton began searching his person for his cigarettes. “Dammit, the Dog-Man took my smokes again!” Daffy growled.

Johnny took a tool box and began walking out of the trailer. “Where are you going?”

“To sell my soul-” Daffy slapped Rika’s head before she can finish her sentence.

“Nowhere, Dad…. I’m going nowhere…”

“But we’re getting outta here!” Rika said as the trio walked out of the theater for intermission.



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“Ugh, that fat chick was a pain,” Kuro shuddered, trying to wipe a traumatizing moment out of his mind.

“Lighten up, Kuro,” Stitch laughed as he reclined in a decently-comfortable chair. “Least we got a whole bunch of stuff!”

“Blue Devil’s right, Kuro, m’boy,” the Janitor said, slapping an enthusiastic arm around Kuro. “Look at the load we got!” The Janitor motioned to all the “treasures” he and his crew picked up: crates of Patriot Beer, random chairs and sofas, priceless family heirlooms, and all kinds of other valuable and invaluable items.

“Damn, I love being a pirate,” Bender sighed as he chugged down a Patriot Beer.

Sakura leaned over the railing and saw something from behind; her eyes widened. “Uhh…Captain Janitor?” she asked nervously. “Is it bad for another ship to be following us?”

The Janitor looked confused as he looked over the railing where Sakura was looking. And what lay in front of his eyes, but a giant sailboat with the word “NAVY” across it.

“Oooh, crap,” the Janitor gulped. “It’s the Navy…the fuzz of the high seas! But 4Kids made them into a joke.”

"Tell me about it," Yakko agreed. "I mean, really, soldiers with water squirters?! Where's the fear in that?!"

“Wait a minute, I thought in One Piece they were Marines?” Trillian asked.

“Yeah, but…er. Anyway, they’re headed straight for…!”

CRRRASH!!!

“…Us,” the Janitor said lamely as the crew noticed the Navy jumping from the ship (which they rammed into the Heart of Gold’s ship) and surrounded the crew.

“Freeze!” one Navy soldier shouted. “Put your hands in the air and come quietly with us!” Everyone slowly did as they were told.

“Any ideas, ‘Captain?’” Dexter hissed.

“Relax, I’ll think of something,” the Janitor said coolly.

“Any means of resistance will result in immediate death!” another Navy soldier added.

The Janitor winced as he said, “It just needs to come to me first.”

“Oh, bother…and here I thought things couldn’t get any worse,” Marvin sighed as the Heart of Gold pirates were lead onto the Navy’s ship.

End of Chapter 3